The secrets of a happy relationship and a dream marriage
What makes for a happy relationship? What are the secrets? How can you create a dream marriage? How does a relationship make people happy, so that they are more resilient when dealing with the inevitable difficult times?
I really want you to believe that you have every chance of being happy! That’s what I work towards in all of my sessions as a couple counsellor. I know it can be really tough and SO stressful to have relationship problems.
So, this article is packed full of tips and 'secrets' to help you to have the best possible chance of creating a happy marriage or fantastic long-term relationship.
The recipe for a happy marriage or relationship
Of course it’s vital that you start with some common ground. Shared values and beliefs without a doubt strengthen a relationship.
Beyond that, I’m assuming that you’ve already filtered out unsuitable partners (if not, have a look at my Relationship or Marriage Compatibility Test). So now you’ve established – or you’re in the process of establishing - a great long-term relationship, with or without a view to getting married.
Join me now to discover the key secrets of a happy relationship…
Attention - fulfilling an essential emotional need
The way couples give and receive attention is THE most important factor in an intimate relationship. As human beings our need for attention overrides any other need. So, simply by giving your partner attention you’ll do your relationship or marriage the world of good.
There is one caveat though. The secret is that it has to be the kind of attention that your partner values. So for example, showering your partner with kisses at every opportunity may feel great to you. BUT that might make your partner feel overwhelmed. So don't be surprised if this hampers intimacy rather than creates it. The secrets to a happy relationship lie in your paying attention to what your partnerwould really like.
Here are some tips on how to give your partner some loving attention:
- send a card every now and then, when it’s not expected - it takes so little effort and can have such a positive impact
- send Romantic Texts
- leave 'love notes' or cards in briefcases, lunch boxes, pockets etc.
- tell your partner what exactly you love about him or her and ...
- why that’s important to you, rather than just saying you love them
- flirt with your partner in the way that you know he or she appreciates (not in the way it suits you) – regardless of how long you have been together
- continue to invest time in novel activities, outings and experiences (this stimulates the dopamine circuit, which helps to create that wonderfully exciting romantic feeling)
- contribute to telling the story of your relationship in a special journal - create a record of all the positive experiences you have together
All the following tips in this article on the secrets of a happy relationship or dream marriage are examples of how to give your partner loving attention too.
Oh ... and by the way, don’t forget - giving each other attention implies giving generously of your time...
Helpful non-verbal communication
The purpose of communicating isn't only to pass on information. You also communicate to create a sense of intimacy both emotionally and sexually.
Communication can be divided into verbal communication and non-verbal communication - wow... nothing new here then!
The two of course often overlap, but let's break them down even further. Verbal communication consists not only of talking and listening, but also of reading and writing.
Verbal communication can happen face-to-face, via emails or texts, or any hand-written messages.
See now how many opportunities you have to create that intimacy and those special feelings? Use all of them to create your recipe for a happy marriage or relationship.
Here are some other ingredients in my recipe for a healthy happy relationship and a dream marriage:
- Look into each other's eyes - you'll see couples do it when they first fall in love. Gazing into your partner's eyes really 'affirms' him or her
- Hold, stroke and massage hands (and feet - when appropriate!)
- Touch in many unexpected ways - without making it sexual…as well as making sure you’re in a suitable environment! Touching stimulates the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which creates a sense of trust and security
For touching to really work its magic – with or without sexual connotation - you each need to have the intent to please your partner. That really is one of the secrets of a happy relationship or marriage. It needs sensitivity and possibly a willingness to move out of your comfort zone - even if slowly... Try not to be selfish by wanting to have it your way all the time.
It’s also very important that you’re sensitive to your partner’s needs. You or your partner may have grown up in a family where people were just not used to being tactile, so do be aware of how it makes you both feel.
Have you or your partner been subjected to inappropriate touching in the past? If so, any touching - hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands and so on - may sadly come with a great deal of anxiety. I really know about this problem from all those clients (including couples) who have sought my help. I just want you to know that you can overcome this problem. Do consider talking therapy - (relationship) counselling can make a real difference.
Helpful verbal communication
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
- Anonymous
There are hundreds of pages on this website with relationship advice. They all contribute to your knowledge, awareness and understanding of (relationship) problems and situations. All of that can improve your empathy and compassion, which in turn improves how you communicate with each other.
Do have a look at the links at the end of the page for more information about verbal and non-verbal communication.
Sharing - giving and receiving
Simple sharing is what a happy relationship is all about. It can make the mundane special, the excitement unforgettable and the distress bearable.
Try sharing:
- chores – to make the boring stuff 'manageable'
- new activities – to stimulate the dopamine circuit in the brain, which encourages feelings of romantic love. This in turn stimulates the testosterone circuit (in men and women), which creates the right 'chemical' environment for a possible sexual encounter
- self-disclosure - talk about what’s going on for you. This kind of sharing is different for men and women. Women can learn to accept that men do it differently, and men can learn from women how to create intimacy without sex. (Clearly I am generalising here!)
- problems and concerns (see empathy and compassion further down)
Maintain your sense of humour
Oh ... how a laugh can change the meaning of just about everything! It lightens the mood and improves circumstances simply by changing your perception. It can also normalise things, as well as potentially create a sense of togetherness.
How much happier could you be if there was more laughter in your relationship? In my view humour is THE secret to a happy relationship or dream marriage.
Be aware though - some people are genetically predisposed to not understand the re-interpretation of a 'serious' thought, circumstance or experience into something humorous. They have a tendency to take everything literally and have great difficulty in seeing the 'funny side'.
People on the autistic spectrum, including those with Asperger syndrome, fall into this category. I mention this because I’ve seen quite a number of couples where one of the partners was suffering from this syndrome. Prof Simon Baron-Cohen has written a very helpful book on the subject: Autism and Asperger Syndrome (The Facts). Do look this up if it’s something that’s relevant to you or your partner.
Dealing with relationship problems and other challenges
Calming stormy waters
Empathy means the ability and capacityto observe, recognise and respond to what someone else is feeling. We have in our brain a set of nerve cells, which help us do exactly that. It’s like wincing when someone else hurts themselves. Your mirror neurons, as well as your imagination, are helping you to 'put yourself in your partner's shoes'.
Empathising with your partner will be enormously comforting. During arguments it can also take the wind right out of your partner's sails!
Women on the whole are much better at empathising. However, Prof Simon Baron-Cohen talks about 'empathising brains' and 'systemising brains'. Women are more likely to empathise and men more likely to systemise. But, there is every potential for this to be reversed in an individual. His book The Essential Differencewill help you understand your partner much better - it could actually prove to be a really wise investment!
The power of compassion
Compassion is a virtue that follows from empathy. You may not always understand what your partner is going through. You may even feel 'put off' by their response to difficulties. However, if you can empathise and refrain from judging this will allow you to feel compassionate. This means you’ll be able to offer support in a way that is valued by your partner.
The basic message is: be kind to each other! If you wouldn’t dream of treating your best friend, mother, brother, boss, sister or anyone else in a certain way, then don’t treat your partner that way either.
Accept each other – really!
There is very little else I can add to that other than: you cannot change your partner. Certainly people change when they meet the 'light of their life'. However, in a way they have chosen to change - in their own time, and in a way that feels authentic to them.
You can attempt to make your partner aware of things, ask for change, support and encourage them on their journey. BUT ... it stops there!
It does help if you understand more about how your partner 'operates'. Therefore I really recommend that you have a look Dr Helen Fisher’s discoveries about compatibility. Dr Fisher is a biological anthropologist, and she’s studied the brain systems involved in 'love' - with some very interesting discoveries. Her books are a fascinating read for anybody interested in compatibility and how we make our relationships work - or not!
Be willing to ride the waves
Of course you’re going to experience difficult times. I think that often in particular younger people have an unrealistic expectation of what lies ahead (yes ... I was one of them too!). If only I could protect you from the inevitable challenges!
However, the ups are as much a part of life as the downs are. You’ll get through those challenging times though - be they relationship problems, issues with family, work, children, finances or personal problems. A crisis never lasts and there is an end to everything - that includes the bad times.
If you can learn to ride the waves together then there is every chance that you’ll grow stronger as a couple.
Having trouble sorting that one out? Have a look at Save my Relationship if you or your partner don't like the idea of relationship counselling, but are keen to learn the secrets to a happy relationship. Many people find counselling far too 'scary' and this is a great alternative for taking positive action.
Protect what you have
Arguing ...? Not a problem in principle, but know when it gets out of hand. When you or your partner are beginning to lose control - stop! That’s the point at which there is every chance that you’ll become personal.
Attacking each other as people, rather than asking for behaviour to change, is a sure way to undermine the health of your relationship. It creates resentment and a great deal of unhappiness.
It is vital that you resolve conflicts constructively, and for more info on this have a look at Arguing Couples.
The future
Renegotiate your 'contract'
There is often an implied 'contract' between partners. You may have firm understandings about some things and you may have 'kind of' agreed on other 'stuff'. You will also have made huge assumptions about all matter of things.
You both came into this relationship with a gene pool, a history of interpreting the world in your own unique way and making up 'rules' about life based on your experiences.
This creates unconscious patterns, which only reveal themselves over time. Suddenly you find that you’re wanting or pushing for certain things to happen, but it had never been part of an agreement. Maybe it hadn't even occurred to you it needed to be discussed.
I sometimes think that relationships should come with a 'renewal' date. You’ll periodically have to renegotiate the terms and conditions of your relationship or marriage. This means you’ll be able to accommodate changing circumstances, and your increased self-awareness together with your knowledge and understanding of your partner.
One of the secrets of a happy relationship and a dream marriage is to ensure that there is space for each of you to learn, change and grow. It's unrealistic to expect you both to stay the same.
Your and your partner's goals
Create and maintain an interest in each other's goals.
'Almost' unconditional commitment
I am saying 'almost' as there are always circumstances in which it is vital that you end your relationship as soon as possible. Invariably it relates to safety and security. There is no place for any abuse - verbal, emotional or sexual - in any relationship.
Commitment also involves loyalty and mutual trust. Interestingly though, biological anthropologist Prof Helen Fisher maintains that the news is not that human beings have extramarital affairs, but that they aim to be monogamous!
Prevent boredom slipping in by stealth
Well ... I am coming to the end of this article. Dealing with boredom is covered inBored in your Relationship? So if you’re feeling bored, hop over there now!
Any other ideas or 'secrets' for a happy relationship?
You can apply any of these principles to enjoy an improvement in your relationship. However, I’m sure that you can come up with some tips yourself. Please don't keep them to yourself ... SHARE YOUR SECRETS for a happy relationship or dream marriage!
